so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
