I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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