are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
