I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
