someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
