watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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