i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
