Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
