When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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