I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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