And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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