I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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