sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
