my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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