I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
