yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
