now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
