if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
