you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
