I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
