Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
