two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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