Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
