I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
