I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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