i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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