i need an iv and a liver transplant
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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