It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
