your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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