Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
