Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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