I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
