and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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