i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
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Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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