sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
