we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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