It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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