My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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