how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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