so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
