How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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