why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
