on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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