seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize