just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
