So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
