spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
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WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.