Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?