It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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