If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
