btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
