sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
