Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
