She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
