I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
