Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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