the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
