Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
