At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
