they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
