i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
