Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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