My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
